“I do it myself!”
When you hear it from a two year old you are either quietly amused or extremely frustrated–possibly both.
When you hear it from an adult who needs help you may feel frustrated, sad, or disappointed.
When you hear it from a young adult who is stepping out on their own you may be sad or ecstatic, or once again . . . both.
There are times in our lives that “doing it ourselves” is a very dangerous proposition.
There are other times when it’s a growth experience.
This past week I’ve been feeling isolated and lonely. On at least one occasion I’ve reached out to connect with someone healthy and safe. That was good for the time we were together, however when I left I went back to the state of loneliness.
In the past I would have reached out to literally anyone who would give me attention. Trading anything–including my soul–for that moment of connectedness.
The truth is I have dozens of friends that I could call on at any hour. And I have no doubt that they would be there for me. But something kept me from calling them–a knowledge that they didn’t have what I needed.
During this time I’ve also been dealing with some frustration with a lack of productivity and a search for someone to hold me accountable. I’ve been lacking the motivation to do things that have to be done–walking, working out, taking care of my home, etc. So, if I can find someone to hold me accountable then maybe I’ll do these things.
I woke up yesterday with the realization that it’s time for me to “do it myself”. Not doing it alone. I’ve proven over and over again in my life that I can’t do anything without Christ. Okay, I can make a really big mess, but to clean it up I need God.
What I can’t do is live my life for any other person . . . or their approval. If my house is going to get clean and stay that way . . . I do it myself. If I’m going to eat healthy . . . I do it myself. If I’m going to work out and lose weight . . . I do it myself. Again, I can not accomplish any of that without God’s help and guidance. But neither can I do it for the sake of someone else.
The loneliness and isolation? That was God pursuing me. Oh, I’d been talking to him. Asking him to bring someone into my life to hold me accountable–and I do need that. However, I have to find my own motivation.
It’s a pretty awesome realization that God is pursuing me. I mean, God is pursing me. He’s pursuing me . . . he wants to spend time with me . . . he wants me to turn to him–for everything.
I have found much contentment in being single over the last several years. However, that doesn’t negate the need to be wanted and loved. Intellectually I’ve known that God is my lover, my husband, my companion . . . and that’s good to know. Today I know that he’s all of that and much much more. I know it in my heart.
So as I was cleaning and cooking yesterday I was also talking to God. His answer came in the form of a song. “Psalm 62” by Shane and Shane. It’s been in my iTunes for more than a year–this is the first time I’ve heard it.
He’s the only one
strong enough to lean
my heaviness against
the weight of all my sin
falling on a rock
leaning on a fortress
Oh the wall of God
Jesus, he won’t move
On God I rest
my fortress shall not be shaken
My mighty rock and my glorious
I lay my head upon his chest
On God I rest . . .
So . . . “my soul rests, on God alone” . . .
and with God’s help alone “I do it myself!”